Emptiness

From time-to-time, I feel a heaviness upon me. If I think about it or try to analyze it long enough, I can come up with reasons for the emptiness I feel.

I remember the first time I struggled with this. To the best of my recollection, I was at the shallow end of my teens. I felt an emptiness; a sadness insufficient for tears, but pervasive enough to seize my continued attention. There seemed to be no cause, which puzzled me. I put myself to the task of identifying its cause.

To my surprise, it was difficult to identify any particular event or condition I could attribute to my emotional state. Furious with my apparent failure, I relentlessly pursued possible candidates. None seemed to measure up. As the years passed, I grew more adept at this practice until it became automatic.

Now, when the feeling comes upon me, I can identify with certainty its external cause.

As I learned more about my condition as a human, specifically about my propensity to blame and judge, I saw that my adept analysis only served to deny my role in the creation of this emptiness in my life.

Now the problem was compounded. The blaming and judging was only a sedative that numbed the sadness. It took the edge off by allowing me to celebrate my role as a victim. In this place I could wallow in thoughts of not being clever enough, generous enough, wise enough... or I could stew in my righteous anger of being wronged. Actions and behavior borne from these places mostly dug the hole deeper.

In my journey of discovery, I heard and believed again and again how blaming and judging served only to destroy my own life, and contribute to the same cycle in the lives with which I became involved. The lesson became trite and banal, degenerating into rhetoric.

Another focus of my wonder centered upon my role as creator. I wondered how I as a tiny human shared the attributes of my Mother/Father Creator. The notion that Mother/Father Creator is wrapped up in this act relentlessly, extravagantly, lavishly, joyfully, and in loving abandon is one that resonated with me deeply. It brought a celebratory experience to my contemplation, and gratitude that I was created by such Being.

The conversation concerning the "failure" of the global economy gives fear easy ground. This territory colors all human interaction. All of the sudden, home repairs, utility bills, saving, retirement planning became competitors. A feeling of emptiness arises, and the blaming and judging starts.

Having a deeper appreciation of the impact of my own judgment (thus fearing it) took on a new futility. Now I was empty, judging, and fearing my propensity to judge, becoming angry and adding to my fear potential actions driven by my emotions. In contemplation, abandoning my fear, judgment, and anger, I was left only with the emptiness.

The emptiness, I saw was motivating me to do SOMETHING. But what?

AH! CREATE!!

With one profound Ah Hah! my perspective seemed to fall in place.

In a waking vision back in 1992, I was elevated to a place I can only describe pure joy and sorrow. I was surprised that I could be feeling both of these emotions simultaneously. As I joined in spirit with those around me, my heart soared in the privilege of that intimately Divine connection. It also entered into a deep sorrow for all of their struggle and pain. It celebrated their humanity as they cried for my struggle and pain. It was the extravagant experience of Union.

As I recalled this experience, I realized that the emptiness is omnipresent, and represents not something "gone wrong", but the thirst for Creation. Emptiness is the Holy Void at the center of the Vortex of Divine Creation. With this realization, a Peace came that did not dispel the emptiness, rather transformed it into Love. From this place of profound Nothingness is where creation begins.

Anoint it. Savor it. And rise from it in the timeless act of creating your dreams, for it represents your thirst for their manifestation!

Vice Presidential Politics

I had intended to address only my spiritual musings in this blog, rather than my politics. Passions are running high among my respected Republican and Democrat friends. Events are seen and heard from their respective positions only in ways that support their views. I expect I am guilty of this as well, seeing my own preference as insightful and well reasoned (of course).

At the beginning of the primaries, I liked McCain. That has to do with the fact that we both graduated from the Naval Academy, he served heroically as a POW in Viet Nam, and acted in opposition to the hate and intolerance embraced by the Republican religious right. I wondered how the politicization that would surely arise would cause me to sway away from him as he pushed to fit himself into the Republican mold. A real "maverick" wouldn't do that - and he did, reversing himself on social issues. While I would suspect that he would be inclined to moderate the Republican stance once elected, I can't trust his longevity. I've seen the Presidency consistently and significantly age its office holders. Further, with the loss of his single mindedness he appears more to me as a party apparatchik. I expect that such shifts are born of pragmatism.

His introduction of Sarah Palin to me was immensely cynical, and perhaps eccentric. Even the most intelligent person can't be expected to handle the national and international stage with 5 weeks of briefing. This particularly true when they have come from such a relatively sheltered life (no exposure to foreign culture or international politics).

While I like her as a person, her use merely to win the Republican's religious right is painfully obvious. In the debate, I wondered how many Americans really looked with relish upon her patois without regard to substance. I wondered how she would perform on the international stage, when heads of states' questions would be put aside because they did not align with her talking points. I wondered how many people would recognize that a "maverick" doesn't hide behind language bestowed by Republican handlers. From Webster's dictionary: maverick - an independent individual who does not go along with a group or party.

It was demeaning to both Mrs. Palin and her party that her "victory" in Republican's eyes was achieved after 1) a significant lowering of expectations (wow, no gaffes), and 2) was based on her ability to parrot Republican talking points when the "right" questions were posed. I need to know that a person a heart-beat away from becoming a world leader can think and reason objectively, independently, and on their feet. She was far from such portrayal. What I saw was a person cornered into arrogantly discarding the game of debating, and indeed a global stage which is seen only through the world press.

To reject that "filter" is to abandon access to those whom she would lead. I saw her decision as a reflection of insecurity, naïveté and the handlers' lack of confidence in her ability. How can a world leader operate if they cannot stand up to the scrutiny of the press? Senator Biden offered a stark contrast in agility, independent thought, and reasoning as he stood to answer questions. When he spoke, one saw Senator Biden. When she spoke, one saw Republican rhetoric.

One might argue that when Biden spoke, only Democratic rhetoric was observed. While this probably true, I've no doubt that Biden was the author - as a leader in the Democratic Party.

I expect that if the Republicans lose, she will return and finish her term as governor. After that, I expect she will probably succeed in U.S. Senate race. It will be interesting to see how independent and effective she would be on what is nearly a world stage, especially having developed a broader range of experience.

I've received emails with inflaming videos and writings from both political views. Having read John Adams by David McCullough, I came to an understanding that our American Republic stands as a perpetual argument. The founding fathers engineered a government incapable of stopping that argument, yet when agreement reigns, awesomely proficient in mobilization and resolution. My friends on both sides of these issues have lamented the end of "our democracy." The fact that they are passionately engaged from their own truth is to me evidence that our democracy is thriving. Impassioned arguments do not limit themselves by nature. They can be nasty and ugly.

It is from this dark place that the brilliance that has carried us forward for 232 years emerges. It is indeed those relatively rare moments of integrity and luminosity (from both sides of the aisle) that show through to carry the day. Perhaps it is because they contrast so sharply with the morass of daily political life. Indeed I expect something splendid will emerge from even this argument.

From Inside Jail Bars

When I was a Midshipman, only about 10 months after my induction into the Naval Academy, I flew to Chicago to visit my Dad during Spring break. He was a 31 year career Sgt Major in the Marine Corps. I got the royal treatment. Dad was the Sgt Major of the Marine Barracks for the Great Lakes Naval District. Colonel Wyerski was the commanding officer; an imposing man with a perpetually serious expression who stood more than 6' 5". Dad and his Lance Corporal met me at O'Hare.

After requesting that I carry my own gear, the LCPL delighted in obeying my Dad's order to carry it, walking behind Dad and I. Under any other circumstances I probably wouldn't have been concerned - but this new 19 year old Plebe was in the midst of 100's of upper class Midshipmen who could easily have targeted me upon my return to the Academy. In short, we were quite an ostentatious site that hardly escaped the gaze of my seniors. Simply put, Plebes did not rate any one carrying their gear, and they certainly didn't deserve the snappy salute I received from the LCPL as he placed me in the rear seat of the Col's staff car, parked in a VIP area with blinkers flashing. Chicago cops were also obviously accommodating, Viet Nam was still going strong.

As we rolled forward from our parking place with Chicago's Finest stopping traffic to clear our way, I noted an attentive audience of at least 40 upperclassmen watching the improbable scene of a Plebe being courted as a full Colonel.

The Col included me in all his activities, Office Hours, inspections, parade reviews. It was quite a leadership workshop to see a Marine Corps Colonel go about leading the men in his charge. Nothing escaped his eye. In those moments of crushing objection to the quality of his officers' work, I discretely stepped away - leaving him to his animated expression, and the unfortunate officer to his pain. There were several occasions when Marine Captains would glare at me with a barely bridled fierceness, for they understood fully my station and the royal treatment I was receiving. At the same time, I was puzzled at the obvious anger, and resentment that possessed them.

Dad had told me how he "read off" Captains whose conduct wasn't to his standards, especially if they were arrogant. While technically they outranked him, it would have indeed been a stupid officer who alienated the unit Sgt Major, especially when he enjoyed a solid friendship with their Colonel. I've concluded that Dad's treatment had something to do with their attitude. In that one becomes a Capt around the age of 26, I also attribute it to their youth. In reflection, those officers were liked caged lions who wanted a piece of me, but were restrained by circumstance.

It occurred to me today, 38 years later that my judgment places me in the same cage as those Marine Captains.

We become possessed with resentment and loathing to the extent that we cannot focus otherwise. Our preoccupation with situations or persons we have judged can consume us to a point that we righteously assert and justify our point of view and our actions toward those we scorn.

Today I worked with a headstrong and earnest manager in my company. It struck me that I had become a 26 year-old Captain who wanted to show this guy who's who, and what's what. My only constraint was a concern about how I might appear to those more powerful than I.

What would have happened if one of those Captains took me under his wing to act as a mentor? I reflect on what a shift in the dynamic he would have experienced, becoming a contribution to another's life and career. Instead he chose the experience of a caged animal.

The starkness of my habitual tendency to judge, placing people below me as prey was painfully apparent. The years wasted behind bars rushed upon me. What if I treated this headstrong, but earnest manager as someone who is seeking to do a better job and make a stronger contribution?

I might even make a splendid, lifelong friend and ally.

We Live in Heaven?!

I often consider the notion of "The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." I can't remember how old I was when the concepts of Heaven, Limbo, Purgatory, and Hell as taught to me while a Catholic child crystallized as current reality. All of our intellectual attempts to capture something beyond the intellect has caused us to look upon these concepts as literal experiences which occur after this life time. My assertion is that while they are literal they are not something we enter into later, after death. We are in one of these states each moment of our life. What's more? Our ego sits on the judgment seat - truly a frightening thought.

Each moment we sentence ourselves to indifference, anger, resentment, avarice, jealousy, injustice, and suffering - or release ourselves into the splendid surrender of What Is, embracing Its peace and receiving Its love. When we are unaware of the impermanence of our state of suffering, it transforms into the misery and torments of Hell itself. An illusion of relief is gained through substance abuse and/or physical addictions, which deepens our proclivity toward the negative dynamic. The ironic part of this is that it is all temporary, while being experienced as eternal (no end in sight).

The dread and fear triggered by our perception of this as an eternal state deepens and intensifies, leading to ill advised acts devoid of wisdom, self and common good. From here, we reach out to wound others righteously as we claw to a less painful state. Hence Hell is perpetuated, perhaps even increased here and now, spreading through our own social network. It is not the target of our ire who twists in our cruelty, but us! As we nurture our wounds by indulging in visions of an enemy's suffering we are pleasantly unaware that we are that victim.

My discovery and experience of God, as embodied by the dimensions of Parent, Child, and Spirit (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) as wholly compassionate and devoid of guile is always particularly moving. It was through this Love that I began to be able to distinguish even the state I was in (suffering, temporary relief, essence of bliss), thus reality itself. It was later that I began to see that I could accept responsibility for my current state and create a new experience from there. Mind you, this is still a work in progress!

With the ability to distinguish who I am as distinct from the victim of some misery, I came to appreciate that forgiveness benefited me, rather than the person to whom it was internally directed. In the last 10 years, that discovery has deepened and it becomes rarer that I seek to punish in my imagination those whom I believe have wronged me. In the context of spreading Heaven throughout my network, forgiveness is essential. In that sense, my private forgiveness or letting go, benefits all whom I know and speak with.

In contrast to this is my tendency to succumb to defensiveness and hostility when someone breaks my personal "code" of behavior, even if I provoked them. My ego again rises to the throne of judgment and the righteous torment I direct toward them pulls us both into our private Hells. Sigh.

I've been reading Ekhart Tolle's book, "A New Earth." I'm finding it amazing as it eloquently addresses these dynamics. My prayer is that I become more joined with my divine essence and less with the compulsions of my ego. My prayer is that I remain a vessel of love, wisdom inspired action, healing, and happiness for all whom I encounter - and that my ego bows to serve the Essence common to all creation.

My Dive into Blogging

Here I am, a wanna-be writer writing for the first time in public. I've journaled off and on since 1999 and have used it to connect with the me that is greater than any notion I could ever fabricate. Journaling allowed me to receive inspiration to persist through terrible challenges that I'd care never to repeat. In the midst of them I learned four major lessons: 1) That there is not really any such thing as loss, except for losing oneself in the craziness around us. 2) That I really do have the wherewithal to become whomever I need to become as soon as I need to become that person. 3) I can awaken to the choices before me, choose, and be (or become) splendid with the outcome. 4) From wherever I am or whomever I have become, I am always manifesting a new place and person to be.